First things first, I HATE ANTS! And every spring, especially when it gets really wet outside, the ants flee to the comfort and relative easy eating in my house. I held them at bay last year, and I hope to do so again this year, but I pretty much despise ants. Any bugs really. But ants especially because they seem to travel in swarms, by the bajillions!
Ok, now to more important stuff...I am really having a hard time. Since I am choosing to assume that no one actually reads this every day, I am just going to lay it out--I hate the way things are in my life right now. I hate transitions, and I hate that Cameron is gone and I feel STUCK here on my own. I didn't really want to do it from the start, but I especially hate it now that I've been doing this for a couple weeks. Maybe if I didn't have to go to work all day every day, or maybe if the boys didn't act like human atom bombs every single day...I don't know...maybe then it wouldn't be quite so awful. But right now, it is crap. Cameron is supposed to be finding us a house, and I suppose I am being quite impatient about it, but I wish he would hurry up and find something. It is driving me crazy that I am supposed to be moving when school is out and right now we don't even have anything to move in to! Besides that, I have to get everything packed up...Cameron wants me to just hire a moving service (his dad thinks I should too) but really, I don't know that we can afford to hire a moving service. We can hire someone to drive the truck, but I don't know that I can have someone do all the packing, etc. It sure would be nice though, wouldn't it?
I haven't even mentioned the kids yet. Sam, especially, is having a really hard time since Cam left. He is being so rotten. And Levi is super clingy. And Ben thinks he needs a binky, despite the fact that he is FOUR! It is making me crazy! I guess we'll survive, but I feel like I am being pruned--not just plucked, or digged, or dunged...but PRUNED! Chopped off. Forced to completely start over, with just the basics to provide the foundation. Left on my own for a season or two to grow--ick.
Can you tell that the Sunday School lesson was about Jacob 5 today? I taught the lesson. Of course, that was after I played the organ, did a special musical number, cleaned up our mess from the trial that is sacrament meeting, took my kids to primary and nursery, arranged for Levi to be somewhere while I taught, put my insulin pump on, etc...I pretty much ditched Relief Society. I need a few minutes that were quiet!
Does it make me a bad mom that I don't want to have big parties for me kids? Does it mean that I love my kids less if I don't make a huge deal out of their birthdays? My brother in law commented that because he really loves his daughter he feels it is important to do these things. Does that mean I don't love my kids as much because I don't feel like it's super important to have a huge gathering for my TODDLERS? I don't know. I am probably just being oversensitive, but I am just feeling particularly cranky and irritated with people today. I just get awfully tired of being expected to do what everyone else thinks I should--but when I express any opinion whatsoever, or do NOT want to do the same thing as everyone else, I am apparently failing somehow. Grr. I had some annoying encounters at church along these lines as well.
I am just tired. My house is a disaster. My son is being naughty again (guess which one? If you guessed Samuel, you're exactly right!). I still have research papers to grade. I have to deal with two more weeks of map testing. Argh! I'll try to be more positive later.
3 comments:
It does sound extremely stressful just reading it, I can't imagine living it.
I don't hold big parties because I don't enjoy the stress of them and really a big party doesn't show your child love any more than a special little family time. Not at all- in fact you actually get to enjoy your child more on their special day if there aren't a bajillion people around.
Sorry church was so stressful. I get stressed out at church with my husband there.
Are you guys buying a house or renting? I would think with the market on houses the way it is right now it'd be really easy to find a place. Hopefully your husband finds a great place very soon.
Oh gosh and moving companies are heaven, but yes- extremely expensive.
Yeah, you are over worked. I'm sorry, if you were just here I would help.....wait that is the problem! YOU ARE COMING! I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.
As for the birthday thing. I don't do huge parties.....sometimes no party at all. Oh, and I always request that people don't bring gifts. I suppose that means I don't love my kids. I just know that we are full here, and I can be a bit of a control freak, and when you ask people to give your child a toy, you have no say over what they give. Weird I know, but hey, my kid, my rules! :)
Do let me know if I can do anything for you okay??
I think you should save the birthday parties for grade school when they really care. Of course you love your children!! Don't ever let someone's comments make you doubt that. I know you really don't, but don't let them make you feel guilty.
I have relished my last chance for a navy move, even though they often break and steal things. It is so much easier, but I don't know how I could have afforded it without the navy paying for it. Good luck with that. I would suggest buying packing material if you can. That is easier.
Hang in there. This is only a season and there is an end. I know you will make it.
Post a Comment