A little bit...

"You cannot measure a man by his failures. You must know what use he makes of them. What did they mean to him. What did he get out of them."
--Orison Swett Marden

I decided that today was fairly mundane, and that which I did do made me so angry (kids at school) that I just am not going to write about it. Instead, I am going to answer one of the questions in the fabulous book I got from Melody Ross (founder of Chatterbox, Inc.) last year, and which I committed to use--by writing down my stories and those of my loved ones. So...here goes: The question I chose for tonight is actually a hard one--I am not sure I will totally be able to answer it.

What are your top ten goals to accomplish this year? Do you feel that you will achieve them? Why?

Well...I think it will be easiest to just list them...
1. I am going to survive this first year of teaching with a good attitude and be able to look back on it happily and be grateful for it. It has been so hard. But I really love teaching. I want to not hate my job, but I feel like when I leave at the end of the year, if I can remember that I love teaching, it will have been a worthwhile experience. Hopefully I have been able to teach my students something, and they will remember that I do care about them and love them...even when they are brats.

2. I am going to finally for sure gain a testimony. I know...it might be bad to set a time limit on this, and deep down, I really do know for sure that the gospel is true. I think more specifically that what I am lacking is an internal drive to be closer to the Savior, and I am lacking the sure knowledge that my Father in Heaven does actually care about me...I mean, really...I am not that important, and there are way bigger things going on than the piddly things happening in my life. It is hard for me to feel like it matters. But I really feel like there is a lot lacking in my life, and I am sure that it is due to my lack of dependance on the Lord...so I am working on that.

3. I am going to devise a system for housework. Right now it is simply a matter of putting out fires. But, I am going to be staying at home again, starting in just 2.5 months, and I want to be a better housekeeper than I have been in the past. Besides, we are moving and I get to start in a new house--I just need to curb my serious ADD and my lack of enthusiasm for scrubbing things.

4. I am going to grow closer to my in-laws. I know that sounds really nebulous--it is not specific enough or whatever the rules about setting goals are. But, I don't care. I figure that my in laws are going to be around awhile. And so am I. So it's ok if this is a nebulous goal. I am working on it. I am sincerely making an effort, a little bit at a time...and once we live there, I think it will be much easier. I am choosing to believe that it will be better.

5. I am going to read the entire Book of Mormon this summer. I have read it before, but not in recent years. I am trying to keep up with my gospel doctrine lessons (since I have to teach them!), but I am going to make a concerted effort to prayerfully study the scriptures. I know that I won't be able to read the whole thing now, so I am not even going to set myself up for failure. I will continue doing my best, and this summer, I am going to dig in.

6. I am going to read 5 different genres of books. I know...lame! But, I have a tendency to get into a rut--I like historical fiction. Or novels. Or whatever. I am actually well on my way to completing this one though. I am reading a young adult adventure now. I finished several historical fiction books in the last couple months. I need to read a biography and a nonfiction book. Besides that, I am taking suggestions for other genres...there are a couple new Stephen King's and some new John Grisham ones that I haven't read. I read a fairly new Mary Higgins Clark. Oh, and there's a new Jodi Picoult out...can't afford it yet, but maybe I can get my $100 library fine cleared up and check it out. (Or maybe Richard will pay it since it is HIS FAULT!)

7. I am going to be a better wife--I am going to do this by telling Cameron every single day thank for something that he has done. Some day, I admit, this is hard--sometimes he's a butthead (as am I). But, there is always something that I can appreciate, and I want to get better at noticing those things. That is how we learn to love each other more--by appreciating the little things and not focusing on those things that bug us.

8. I am going to be a better mom. I want so much for my kids to learn and grow in the things that they need to be successful. I am going to spend time with each of them every day. Some days, I know, this is only a few minutes. But, I want each of them to know that they are individuals and that I love them as individuals and for their own reasons. I want each to know he is special and is an important part of our family and of my life. I want to help Ben prepare for school. I want Sam to learn to be a normal human being, instead of the crazy bull in a china shop that he is (ok...just kidding. Sam is so sweet and sensitive--I want to help him learn to recognize and deal with his feelings...in a way we can all handle!). I want Levi to be happy and healthy and confident. I want all three of them to never feel like they can't be safe and secure and protected at home.

9. I am going to make a quilt. I am really and truly going to make a real quilt. Not a rag quilt. Not a baby quilt. An at least twin-sized, pieced, quilted quilt. Besides, then maybe I will be able to get Cam to make me those quilt frames he keeps talking about making. :)

10. I am going to learn something new every day. I reread my patriarchal blessing last night (something I haven't done for WAY too long), and there is a long section in it talking about how important it is for me to continually be learning and striving to increase my knowledge...and that how, in doing so, I will be a better wife, a better mother, and a stronger daughter of God. It reminds me that learning and knowledge are eternal. And that I need to learn not only the things of God, but the things of secular knowledge as well. I know that I have been greatly blessed with intelligence and easier understanding than most people...I don't want to waste that blessing by being ungrateful and slothful. So, even though it is not very specific...I am going to learn SOMETHING every single day.

I know these goals are all pretty high-minded. I have lots of little daily goals that involve getting to work on time, or not having meltdowns at school, or keeping my blood sugars under control, or remembering to take my medicine. All of those things are important, but they are simply part of daily life--they are not a stretch truly, and I don't feel like they are things that will truly affect who I become in the future...they are just a means to an end. So, I am going to work on these harder things, in the hopes that I will be able to look back on this year and say that I truly feel like I have become a stronger, better, happier person.